Shoplifting With Aliens
by A Damned Scientist
Summary: During the ep Terra Firma Olivia takes the jirls shopping. Again. How often did they go shopping? ;-) Trouble ensues as plans go sideways. Apologies, if necessary, to certain other authors... no disrespect is intended to their great fics. And thanks to the S4 make-up and costume people for giving me so much material to play with.


**Shoplifting With Aliens (PG)**

Spoilers and settings. TF. Olivia takes the jirls shopping. Again. How often did they go shopping? ;-) Trouble ensues as plans go sideways. Apologies, if necessary, to certain other authors... no disrespect is intended to their great fics.

Thanks: To Vinegardog for beta-reading. Thanks to Sponge for the great challenge. And lastly, thanks to the S4 make-up and costume people for giving me so many fun things to work with.

Disclaimer: Although the characters and setting aren't mine, can I keep them? Or, failing that, can they keep me? Please? Take me with you!

**Shoplifting With Aliens**

Looking back on it, they all agreed that they really ought to have stuck with shopping at the mall, preferably while it was closed to the general public. Olivia had decided, on a whim, to take Aeryn, Sikozu and Chiana to the downtown Bloomstroms to buy swimsuits, amongst other things. Being a Crichton plan, it was almost pre-ordained to go sideways, although no one would have guessed in advance quite how far wrong it could go.

"It's green!"

"No, it's grey!"

"Brown!" Insisted Olivia. "Well, browny-grey. With a hint of green."

"Does it frelling matter?" Aeryn snapped as Chiana held up the top half of a tiny, two piece swimsuit of indeterminate colour against her impatient and modestly-clad Sebacean friend. "Looks like it would barely cover my loomas... why not just be done with it and go naked?"

"Yeah, why not?" Chiana winked at her and licked her lips, tossing the item back across the display before Aeryn could do so. "I'm sure a certain some one'd love that." She added in a low, husky voice. Olivia paused in retrieving the discarded bikini to stare in open-mouthed surprise: could Chiana really be referring so brazenly to Aeryn and her brother's mysterious non-relationship? She looked around to see what the others' reactions might tell her. Sikozu frowned in what seemed to be a rare admission of confused ignorance. Aeryn's reaction was more difficult to gauge. Was it embarrassment? Fury at her friend's indiscrete innuendo? Was she a little thrilled at the thought of John liking seeing her naked? Maybe a mix of all three? It was hard to tell.

Fortunately the all-male guard detail didn't show any signs of overhearing. The two men were standing at a discrete distance, adopting that faux 'disinterested, staring off into the distance' thousand yard stare which Olivia had earlier joked to her three alien charges that most human men adopted in lingerie departments and stores. The female shop assistant and Cher Horowitz, their store-assigned personal shopper, just laughed nervously, as, not having translator microbes, they could only guess at most of the alien conversation.

"Why don't you get the green one, you get the red one and then we can get on..." Aeryn snapped at Sikozu and Chiana.

"Told you she'd be no fun," Chiana interrupted with a laugh and a pout. "Never take a Peacekeeper shopping for clothes." She confided to Sikozu and Olivia.

"I just don't see why this 'shopping' is seen as some sort of desirable past-time. Just get what you need and..."

"See!" Chiana interrupted again, nudging Olivia's arm conspiratorially. "She's hopeless!" Olivia laughed nervously. She liked Aeryn and those feelings, combined with not being a close friend, like Chiana clearly was, made her uneasy with going along with the Nebari girl's teasing of her.

A kerfuffle at the entrance to the lingerie department suddenly caught Olivia's attention. The store's own security guards were struggling to hold back a tide of a large group of young, excited human females who appeared to be made up and dressed up to resemble Chiana, Sikozu or, and comprising the largest number of them, Aeryn.

"Hey Aeryn, looks like you've got a fan-club!" Chiana excitedly remarked, elbowing her accidentally as she craned her neck to see around all of the many things which stood between her and the noisy rabble.

"Ma'am," One of the secret service detail had overcome his unease at their location and had walked over to Aeryn and Olivia. "We ought to move on, get you to a place of safety." He left unsaid the 'I told you so' regarding his earlier advice that they shouldn't have risked going to a shop which was open to the public, no matter how much the alien females had wanted to have a 'genuine all-American shopping expedition experience.' He did briefly stare daggers at Olivia, though. Aeryn stared back at him, in defence of her new human friend. The agent, faced with such a scary expression, mumbled something apologetic and averted his gaze, like a cat losing a staring match.

Aeryn glanced over towards where the store security had linked arms trying to hold back the hordes while the agent had a quick word with Ms Horowitz - Olivia could not quite catch what was said, but they were probably talking about options for leaving.

"Officer Sun!"

"Chiana!"

"Take me with you!"

"What do you use on your hair!?"

Various shouts could be heard over the general screams and hubbub coming from the crowd of excited young women. A long, black, straight-haired wig came adrift from the glitter-coated head of one of the wannabe Peacekeepers, revealing a slightly unruly mop of dark curls beneath.

"This way, please," Cher asked, indicating that the group should move on, through an unmarked door half-hidden behind a particularly large display of transparent housecoats and negligees which Olivia imagined that Aeryn would be thinking had no protective, weather-proof or warming function at all.

The group quickly gathered their belongings and hustled through the door, down a short, uninteresting service corridor and through another door. They rounded a corner and almost stumbled straight into another group of excitable, costumed young women.

"There they are!"

"Isn't she gorgeous!?"

"_Please_ take me with you!"

A couple of the youngsters could be heard shouting, somehow audible over the chorus of incomprehensible screams.

"I've an idea," hissed Cher Horowitz as the group hurried back the way they came in to the sanctuary of the corridor.

Once safely out of the public eye they paused for a few seconds and took stock.

The lead secret service agent crossed his arms, arched an eyebrow and scowled at Cher. "What was this idea, then?"

"Get them made-up, get them into some normal clothes and they can slip out under cover!" Cher quickly explained, swiftly earning a nod of approval from the agent, despite his recent body language. "Works every time when we get a celeb in here!" She lied confidently. Cher spun on her four-inch heels, chin held high with pride at her quick-thinking and customer-service skills. "C'mon ladies, we're going to the spa!"

'~'

"Do you think it suits me? I don't think it suits me," Aeryn asked, eyeing herself suspiciously in the full length mirror, turning this way and that in order to take in the full horror of her outfit.

"You look great." Olivia reassured her, patting her gently on the shoulder. "Like a lady who lunches." Olivia and Cher had somehow persuaded Aeryn into a constricting, light blue skirted outfit which they had called something like a twins setandpearls. Her outfit was complemented by long, coloured false finger nails, which Aeryn reckoned would make doing almost anything with her hands impossible, face paint, a pair of preposterous darkened glass eye protectors and a long, curly blonde wig. They had tried to get her to wear similar high heeled shoes to Cher, but had soon abandoned that idea on seeing Aeryn tottering inexpertly and nearly falling over when she tried walking in them.

Aeryn wriggled uncomfortably, wondering where the other twin in her outfit might be hiding. Her heavily adorned hands twitched, yearning for her pulse pistol. She was grateful that at least Cher had found her a suitably bulky handbag to carry the gun in so that she didn't have to give it up completely. She spun on her flat Earth shoes, annoyed at how she could feel them pinching on her feet through the diaphanous leg coverings that the two Erp-women had insisted she wear as part of her disguise. She was just about to curse a blue streak and tell everyone what a frelling stupid plan she thought this was and that she would take her chances in her own clothes when Chiana, closely followed by Sikozu, came through the door into Aeryn's dressing room.

Between their complexions, their hair and their clothes, Aeryn hardly recognized her two shipmates.

"How did you get your skin that colour?" Aeryn exclaimed in surprise, the relatively minor indignities which she had gone through for her own disguise temporarily forgotten. "I didn't know the humans had genetic modification..."

"They don't," Sikozu harrumphed. She appeared to be in an even worse mood than Aeryn had thought herself to be just a few microts earlier. Aeryn could quite understand why. Sikozu looked rather pale, almost like a Nebari and Chiana, well, Chiana looked orange.

"It's a spray tan!" Chiana pronounced, clearly delighted with her own look. "Isn't it drad!?"

"Hmm, very effective," Aeryn conceded.

"You look good," Olivia said.

"Great," Cher added.

"I hardly recognized you," Olivia continued.

"I look like a..." words seemed to fail Sikozu. Aeryn could see Olivia noticing with a sly smile that one of the agents was staring hungrily at the Kalish, whose slim curves were being shown off to remarkable effect by her tight, clingy dress and matching high heeled shoes. Aeryn felt a tiny, unfamiliar twinge of jealousy that Sikozu seemed to be able to cope with the strange style of footwear when she could not.

"Cheesecake," Aeryn overheard Olivia whisper to Cher, who stifled a snigger with a clearly falsified sneeze. Aeryn didn't need to know exactly what that meant to get Olivia's meaning, and neither did Sikozu, who bristled indignantly anyway and briefly tugged at the hems of her outfit in a valiant but doomed effort to make it appear a little less alluring to the human male. The agent, noticing that he had been noticed ogling, looked away guiltily but said nothing.

Chiana, for her part, was dressed a little like Ms Horowitz, in a dark-coloured, demure business suit and a long, brown wig. Aeryn felt another twinge of jealousy, trying to summon the English vocabulary to protest that if she had to dress up, then she wanted a sensible outfit like that, too.

"OK, so we're all set!" Cher announced, clapping her hands with the sort of enthusiasm born of regular professional use. "All we need now to complete your looks are a couple of props."

"To make you look like a normal bunch of Earth women out shopping," Olivia added.

The secret service agent took his cue and held aloft three large paper bags with string handles, each emblazoned with some sort of logo.

"One each," Cher explained, handing them out.

"Then you three just walk out of here, calmly as you like." We'll have the SUV waiting near the entrance," the second agent explained, having just entered the room.

'~'

"Hey!" John arched an interrogative eyebrow as the three barely-recognizable women strutted into the mansion, closely followed by his sister. "You look different..." Aeryn glowered dangerously. Sikozu stared at him with fiery anger. Chiana giggled and threw herself down on the nearest couch, dropping her shopping bag as she went. "Umm, nice, very nice." John corrected himself, flicking off the football game he and D'Argo had been watching and setting his beer bottle down on the table. "Very blonde."

"Oh, go frell yourself Crichton," Aeryn bit back, much to Olivia's open-mouthed consternation.

"So. Where y'all been?" John asked with a boyish grin, trying to paper over the awkward moment.

"Shopping at Bloomstroms," Olivia supplied, joining Chiana on the sofa. "The girls got chased around by a load of crazy fangirls and we had to resort to fancy dress to sneak them out."

"We went to a spa. I got a fake tan!" Chiana announced. Aeryn sighed wearily and Sikozu snorted disdainfully. John watched with amused interest as Aeryn and Sikozu tried to ignore John and Chiana respectively and work out how to sit in their unfamiliar and unwieldy skirts.

"Looks like you've been flashing the cash." John chatted on, pointing at the nearest bag, his tone of voice laced with evident amusement as Sikozu and Aeryn finally managed to settle onto a sofa. Then a frown creased his brow. "How did you pay for all this stuff?"

"I thought your uncle was paying for it?" Aeryn returned his frown.

"What uncle?"

"I don't know, we never met him." Chiana chimed in, supporting her friend.

"Sam." Sikozu stated. Aeryn nodded subtly, Chiana more flamboyantly. "I think someone said he was called Sam."

"Ah!" John ran his hand down over his face and grimaced briefly. He made a mental note to be more careful with his colloquialisms. He pointed at the Chiana's bag. "What d'you get?"

"Dunno." Chiana shrugged. "You got our proper clothes, right Olivia?"

"All in there." Olivia nodded and indicated a couple of bulging bags by the door.

"The humans got the other bags while we were getting into our disguises," Aeryn added. Curious now, Chiana reached into her bag and pulled out a box. Her interest growing, she scrabbled to open it, revealing a make-up gift set. She cocked her head and gazed at it for a microt, as though trying to work out something unfathomable before putting it down beside her. She reached into the bag again and pulled out a garment of some sort. She held it aloft and shook it out. It was a child's Tinkerbell outfit.

"You next, Sikozu," Chiana laughed, still entranced by her new outfit.

With evident trepidation, Sikozu reached down into the bag at her feet and lifted out a large, square box.

"A waffle maker? What's a waffle maker?" Aeryn asked, peering at the item in her hands, genuinely curious.

"Mine," Sikozu replied haughtily and without further explanation, putting it on the sofa to the opposite side of Aeryn before reaching in and pulling out a second box. From the picture on the box it was evident that the second item was a set of hair tongs, although whether they made or removed curls was far from clear from the pictures. Sikozu turned the box over and, deep in thought opened it and pulled out the contents.

"Extraordinary species," she commented softly.

"You next!" Chiana indicated to Aeryn while Sikozu turned the hair tongs over and over in her hands, as though trying to work something out.

Aeryn reached deep into her bag, her hand falling on something familiar, or rather two familiar items. Eschewing them for a microt, she seized and pulled out a further, unidentified item. John and D'Argo exchanged amused looks at the sight of the toy Sheriff's outfit, comprising badge, Stetson and holstered six-shooter. John shot a questioning glance at his sister. But she maintained an innocent po-face. Perhaps it had been the work of the secret service agents?

"It's a water pistol. It's for kids." John explained. "You fill it with water and shoot..."

"I see," Aeryn replied enigmatically, cutting him off. Never try and explain guns to Aeryn, John reminded himself , not knowing how Chiana had attacked Aeryn at the mall with a water pistol the previous week..

"What else you got in there?" John asked, trying to peer over the edge of the bag.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Aeryn teased him, moving the bag away from him tilting it to briefly flash the other women a sight of the shiny high-heeled shoes within, the ones which she had been unable to master when getting disguised at the store. Olivia winked and took the bag from her, setting it well away from John before flashing her brother a petulant, almost sneering smile.

"OK," John conceded temporary defeat on the matter of what was in Aeryn's bag. "Well, looks like you've all had a busy afternoon. I'm sure you've got lots to talk about, so we'll leave you ladies to it. C'mon D. We can watch the rest of the game in the kitchen." John announced. D'Argo harrumphed as he stood and flounced from the room. John, levered himself up, took hold of his beer by the bottle's neck and strode out after D'Argo towards the kitchen.

'~'

"Well, I thought it was drad. We got our outfits, all this weird stuff, AND I snurched us these: what d'you think?" Chiana announced as the kitchen door shut. She pulled out a bundle of different coloured cloths which were only recognisable as bikinis when Chiana placed the cups of the red bikini top over her loomas, beaming a grin as she turned her torso from side to side for everyone's inspection.

"Snurched?" Olivia asked of Aeryn.

"Stole."

"You stole them? But why not just pay!?" Olivia exclaimed.

"John's uncle can pay!" Chiana protested.

"Chiana! Have you no shame!" Sikozu chastised angrily.

"We want the humans to have a good impression of us," Aeryn began to add more calmly. Chiana was just about to join in the argument when a loud noise from the kitchen made all four of them fall silent to listen.

"...trying to work out how to sit down in those skirts!"

"She's ORANGE!"

"A twinset and six-shooter!" There was further raucous laughter from both males.

All of the women's' features reddened as recognition dawned on them: The sound which had disturbed them had been John Crichton and Ka D'Argo laughing at their expense.

"What are you doing!?" Olivia asked, wide eyed as Aeryn pulled the toy gun out of her shopping bag and started swiftly checking it over with a professional eye quite at odds with it being a plaything.

"Just checking to see if it's loaded," Aeryn replied quietly, not pausing in her inspection of the pistol. "Hand me that." She pointed at a carafe of water on the table and snapped her fingers. Sikozu, with a lopsided grin, silently complied whilst Aeryn popped open the gun's water chamber.

Olivia glanced across at Chiana, who was cackling like a hyena. "No one can shoot like Aeryn," the Nebari explained with a wink. "They're toast. Very wet toast." Sikozu nodded earnestly in support of their assertions.

A few microts of pouring later, Aeryn handed the carafe back to Sikozu, calmly closed the chamber, wiggled to her feet, straightened her skirt and, with the toy gun held firmly in her hand, marched towards the kitchen door.

The end


End file.
